By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-chief
MUD LAKE, NV- Cooter here. Sorry about the radio silence, folks. Ol’ Cooter had to drink two bottles of cough syrup and go on a vision quest. But I’m back now, and I need to speak my mind.
Lots of folks these days are talking about global warming, and lots of folks are upset that no matter how much we talk, no matter how bad it gets, nothing gets done. People are getting pretty fed up with politicians and such ignoring the problem. Well you know what I say about these politicians?
I say God bless ’em.
You see, the world is under threat. Constantly. There’s the Zarnax federation, ready at any moment to land their invasion craft. The subterranean Beetle Men, itching to climb out of their caves and enslave us. The Squid Lords of the deep, waiting to invade and turn us all into land-sushi. And that’s just off the top of my head.
They all want Earth for their own. And why do you think that is? Cooter can tell you why. It’s because Earth is a really nice place to live. Fresh air, lovely climate, clean water. Abundant natural resources.
So obviously, the only way to be safe is to fuck all that up. I’m talking scorched earth, brother. We’ve got to transform our beautiful green world into a blasted, polluted hellscape.
It’s our only hope.
How can the Zarnax spawn on our beaches if our water is toxic and radioactive? How can the Beetle Men come above-ground if the air is too poisonous for them to breathe? Do you think the Squid Lords will be able to mount an attack when the oceans are so acidic that their eyeballs are melting?
That’s why I’m proud of our elected officials and business leaders. Though hiding behind masks of corruption, gross incompetence, and short-sighted greed, they’re actually brave patriots, doing what must be done. To the uninformed eye, It looks like they’re bloated, corrupt morons, burning through our precious natural resources like a crackhead that won the lottery, without a thought to the endgame or to the billions of people they’re condemning to eventual death and misery. But once you understand the secret struggle underway, you’ll know that these brave, noble men and women are heroes, no less so than the Russian patriots who burned their own houses and crops to foil the German advance in World War Two.
Keep up the good work. And we aren’t done. We need to raise the temperature until the beetle men boil in their chitinous armor, poison the ocean until the Squid Lords choke, shatter every ecosystem, burn up every natural resource, turn our beautiful planet into a blighted, radioactive, apocalyptic nightmare, where nothing in its right mind would want to live. It’s the only way to be sure. It’s the only way to be safe.
Goddamn it, I’ve gotta go. Sounds like the Chupacabras are getting into my trash cans again.
Stay weird, friends.